Sometimes I really wonder about the quality of my character. I have a very short temper for certain things/peolpe, had my trust betrayed often because I missplaced that trust and was niaeve, and don't really give a good god damn what most people think of me. Then qualifiers to the last are friends and family. I *do* care about those opinions.
But I sometimes feel like in my fight to be a good person which I am inherently *not*, I'm inherently human i.e. selfifh and a survivor, I let my assholeness run away from me, and I'm afraid most people give me a smile and tolerate me more than anything. I'm opinionated, but I try not to be overly so. I'm abbraisive, but openminded and genuine.
Or at least I am in my head.
And that's what I'm worried about. I know how I mean it, and I know how it sounds to *me*, but apparently that's not how it (whatever "it" may be in any given situation) sounds to the rest of the world that I care for their opinion.
What am I doing wrong? Am I doing *anything* wrong?
I'm really good at conflict. Most people are terrified of conflict and hurting feelings and knowing how to deal with contrasting opinions. Most people (that I know) are too concerned with how others view them to state an honest opinion or tell the fucking truth.
I'm not one of those people.
This is why I'm bad at conflict resolution. I'm not willing to waver on what I believe long enough to suceed other people's observations and let it drop. I'm far too involved and immersed in what I *believe* to let it go, but god knows I'm trying to learn what battles to pick and when to just *Let. It. Go.*
There have been a few instances recently that I feel shows proof of my progress, but it's nothing I'm ever going to call attention to because then the battles would be lost and there would be nothing learned.
It's hard, admitting you're wrong, or at least not pointing out you're right/not wrong which are all very different. There are not enough people in the world that can find the humility to do so.
I miss smoking, the habit, the relief of chemical stimulous, the supression to maime, but I will be healthier and stronger for it and I appologize to the people I've subjected to it for so long (with a few exceptions, such as the mcr show in Nashville, That bitch can still choke on a dick.)
Either way, I'm *trying* and I'm sorry if it's not graceful or "pretty", but the best I can do right now is try.
So Frack told me about this thing she read, and I'm stealing it. Out right stolen: This post is long, but I'm not gonna LJ cut cause no one ever reads LJ cuts and I want people to read this, so you mother fuckers are just gonna have to deal, because I have something to say.
July 2, 2008
I find that a little appreciation goes a long way. I have been trying and trying for a few years now to figure out what it is that drives me to travel and go to concerts and talk to people and all of this. I know there are the obvious things such as I love traveling. I want to see my country and my world and have all of it for me. All the wonderful vivid memories of the Field Natural History Museum and Time Square, of The Garden District and Sunset Boulevard, I made them mine for a few hours and those few hours will live on in my mind for the rest of my life along with every emotion attached, good and bad.
But I know that that’s only part of it. That’s only the icing on the cake really, a nice by product. I also love seeing the shows, being in the crowd, showing support for the bands and their music and how it’s impacted my life for whatever reason. There’s a lot of people that I love in my life I met doing all of this. My extended family has grown so much in the last few years that I know anywhere I am I will have someone that has my back. New York, Chicago, DC, Columbus, Kokomo, Delaware, Miami, San Diego, Phoenix it doesn’t matter, I have people I have laughed, loved, cried and bled with that I would step into traffic for and they’d do the same for me.
But that’s still wasn’t the ‘why’.
Hell, there’ve been more people that I’ve met at these shows that I DIDN’T like that the ones that I did. I don’t like “people” as a general rule, I think they’re stupid sheep with a bad tendency to follow the mindless majority rather than rub two brain cells together long enough to think about what it is they’re actually doing. I certainly haven’t spent all that gas money to meet those fuckers.
But then I was reading something tonight. It was only a few paragraphs taking up a page in a small, independently distributed book written by a friend of mine, and it hit me like a sack of hammers.
There are very, very few instances in my life that I feel appreciated, mostly because I have such clearly defined, vivid perception of how I think someone should express appreciation and apparently I’ve not been stepping outside my box. I spend so much of my time trying to help people understand how much I appreciate them, and strive for the same in return. Is that a little selfish? Yeah probably, but I don’t strive to make them know I love and appreciate them just to have it in return, I spend energy in other areas trying to accomplish things that garner me what I want. Most of the people I spend my time with are the ones I know appreciate me in some way, my sincerity, my honesty, my sense of humor, etc. Most of those things get me in trouble a lot, but there are a few people who actually seem to have a grasp on the way I see the world, and like me anyway.
But then there’s a larger scale, the big make your heart race because you’re on top of the world at 10 to your heart is shattered into porcelain dust and you want to die at 0 scale. Like when you spent 32 hours in a car, not knowing if you were gonna make it on the money and lack of sleep, not really knowing where you were going or how you were gonna get into the show, but knowing that you had to prove to yourself what you were made of when you set your mind to something, testing your adamantine conviction and all for what? An overdrawn bank account and sleep deprivation? Hell no! For the amazing story and because you knew they would know. Because you KNEW the minute they saw you, IF they recognized you it would all be worth it. Because it’s the only way we could show how much appreciation we had for saving us and bringing us together, and because when they see you and their eyes light up, you know they appreciate you and that’s all you need to go home with a smile on your face and a bounce in your step for the next few months until you have the money to do it all over again.
The last few months have been rough. No job at the moment, the husband lost his, little to look forward to in the ways of concerts and the ever impending bills on the horizon things have left me thin. Not literally, I’m still chubby (which doesn’t help) but I’m working on it and I’ve quit smoking. Go me, but damn I’m bitchy. And then tonight, after drama all day and depressing vibes from everyone, I get to go see my boy Chris.
I met Chris Gutierrez on a whim when my friend Josh and I decided last minute to go to a concert in Chicago. My friend Heather said she had a friend who we could at least take a shower at his house if not crash with for a few hours; we said why not and got his number. So I’d never heard of Hey Chris, some dude who had a blog and a song about him. Big deal, lots of people had blogs. Over the course of the last few years I’ve gotten to know him and I adore Chris. He's outspoken and a sarcastic, opinionated jerk and I love him for it, but even more he's a truly good person. Chris is an inspiration to so many and I see the difference he makes in people lives and carries the torch of hope for so many how never thought they'd find it, busting his balls to live up to the all expectations he assigns himself *genuinely caring* for every face, every kid that comes up to him and even when it scares him he’s living his dream. I envy this, but one day I’ll be there too dammit and I have Chris among many other dear, dear friends to thank for that motivation.
I went into tonight with a foul disposition and a cloud of fuck-the-world-i-hate-you emo over my head hoping that at least seeing my friend who I rarely get to see would brighten my spirits. And it did, no doubt. But it also got me thinking on the why? Why is it that I find myself looking to Chris to make me feel better? Why is it that I have such a hard time being happy when I can’t go see my favorite band in concert or when life is “normal”? Why is it the only joy I find in day to day life is making and drawing things for Amanda and my friends?
Because these are the times I feel the most appreciated, and it’s genuine.
Like I said, selfish? Yeah probably. Fuck it, I don’t care if it’s selfish. It’s at those times in my life that I feel the happiest, to know that someone wants me, wants to be around me, hugs me with squeeze of their own volition, smiles at me winningly and calls me Boo or Frick that I know I can be anything I want to be and I feel like dancing to the car and driving to New York to take Jay and Todd up on that offer for lunch cause I’m just that great. Are those the only times I feel confident? No, I can be fairly self absorbed when I want to be, and in my darkest moments of vanity I hide it really well.
But like tonight those are the moments that I know I’m not fooling myself and I can shout down my insecurities and say “I don’t care how much I weigh, or how many things I wish I could do better, or what they say about me behind my back, I am awesome and can do whatever I want to and succeed because SHE wants to move down here and is my best friend, because HE laughs at my dumb jokes and get my obscure references, THEY believe in me, because THEY love me and I love them back and all I did was be myself!" I think everyone needs those moments, more often than a lot of use would probably like to admit, and when you have a hopelessly low self image, those feelings can become addicting.
One day I'll be able to feel that way on my own a little more often. One day I'll come to terms with the person that stares back at me in the bathroom mirror and I'll be okay with everything that I see, even if it;s not all nice or good, I'll at least accept it and move on. But until that time I have friends, people who love me and believe in me for no other reason than I'm here and breathing, and as long as they can believe for me and express a little appreciation in a hug, a smile or a knowing look every now and then until i can appreciate and believe in myself; I think I might make it. And I found my “why”. Go me.
It could be ten but then again i can't remember half an hour since a quarter to four...
No one's really surprised. I AM the goldfish. My phone's been pissing me off today, and apparently it's been fucking up for longer than I realized considering how many texts and phone calls I HAVEN'T received in the last 24 hours. >=( I'm sort of Grumplestix right now.
Now through lines of the cheap venetian blinds your car is pulling off of the curb. Just when you think you're in control, Just when you think you've got a hold, Just when you get on a roll, Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again. Oh, here it goes again. I should have known
I hate the fact that just when i think I've leveled up my wisdom score something backhands me as if to say, "No fuck you Frick, you are doomed to forever be gulible and too trusting of things you should totally have a grasp to know better by now! DUMB WHORE!"
I know there's got to be a break in the monotony but jesus when it rains how it pours...
Just shoot me.
<self deprication><tangent> But does anyone notice, there's a corpse in this bed? </self deprication></tangent>
There are some people that I just don't ever want to have to be around forever and ever amen. That whole "never is too soon" saying? I doubt very much that anyone reading this qualifies under that as I ususally don't friend people on internet forums that I despise, so don't freak out on me asking if you've done anything to make me hate you.
And technically, hate is a very strong word and most of the people I'm bitching about aren't worthy of my hate, however I loath and despise them. There's a difference in my mind. I'm not going to throw around names mostly because they'll never read this and I would rather tell them to their faces. If by chance they do and ask me if it's them I will have no hesitation in confirming however.
Mostly these people should be institutionalized or actually shot because they're the most terrible human beings I've ever met in my life in some facet or another; mentally unstable (and not in a cute fashion), amoral, needlessly violent, petulant and immature or a conglommerate of all of the above.
My skin crawls around these people, and I wish I could un-know them. If wishes were nickels we'd all live like kings.
Sorry for the stream of consciousness post. I'm sure you'l get over it. =P
I find to my amazement that not matter how many people saw the same thing the story is never the same. Eye witness account is the most terrifyingly poor evidence any investigator can find. Thank you personal experience and Law&Order.
I ask you this, anyone who reads this; Why do we lie, hurt, cheat, steal, manipulate and vex our fellow man? Who are we to determine they deserve it? You're not judge, jury and executioner and neither am i. Now I'm not saying don't defend yourself, self defense is not a crime against law or the natural order of the world, however don't start shit. There's no need.
And don't be hateful. It actually makes you look a lot worse when there's needless he said she said second grade name calling and blame gaming going on after the fact. It's over, build a bridge and get over it.
I'm not (for once) being judgmental. I'm tired of people I care about having hurt feelings over lies and inflamed egos. Some of the inflamed egos may come from my friends as well which is why I'm posting this to everyone as advice. Not a judgment, not calling any one out, no challenge or gripe, but a plea.
Please you guys, think about the long term rammifications of your actions. Kharma, the Law of Threefold, Divine Retribution whatever you want to label it does exist and only you can be accountable for your actions. Stop to think next time you go to lie, or hit someone at a concert, or back talk your mother, or curse in front of kittens. I don't care just fucking think before you act and ask yourself; Why am I being an asshole? What gives me the right to do this to someone else?
I garuntee you'll be a better person, have better kharma, less dramah and more friends for it. Basically you'll be happier and the world will be a better place.
I know there's more people on your friends list than just me. Please, forward this to everyone, or even just to the people you think need to read it.
"The only way to change the world is one random act of kindness at a time."
Current Music: "Welcome Home" - Coheed and Cambria
The kind of music that puts to song the words you couldn't verbalize until you heard it. You'd always felt it, that emotion or belief or grievance held so close to your heart because you knew if you tried to say it out loud in anyway you'd fuck it up and no one would understand... but then you hear it.
The guitar plucks at just the right moment, the bass reverberates through your chest cavity and the drums pound a rythm in syncronaization with how you always knew that perfect moment of clarity should be, and then the lyrics hit you like a speeding train and you know somewhere out there, at some point in the past an artist sat down and wrote the words you'd been looking for.
"And the punchline to the joke is asking 'Some one save us'!"
The kind of music that inspires me speaks to my soul, filling a void I may or may not have ever realized exsisted until the moment I hear it. It's the music the resonates on a higher level than the conscious mind can grasp and you end up singing in day in and day out, but never tire of having it stuck in your head.
The perfect meshing of instruments and the immaculate timing of lyrics and feedback, chimes and strings that permeates your being and leaves you changed forever.
"Poor is the man who believes his own lie. And the sky will tell me I'm not the only one. And the sky will tell me, I must believe the sun."
In closing, the music that inspires me is the music that speaks to you, and only you in that moment, that the band played because they knew it was your favorite, that Beethoven wrote with you in mind and knew exactly how you would feel when you heard it. It's the music that makes you laugh, that draws you closer to a friend, that inspires roadtrips and moves mountains for you and you alone, it's the music that lets you cry and helps you dance, that echoes your rage and vents your hate, and will always be there when you need it and will never cease to surprise you.
In other words, the music that inspires me is the music that I connect to in magical, truly magical ways.
"Tell me, tell me a story. Tell me not to worry or answer the phone. So I'm turning, turning a deaf ear so that I don't hear him throwing stones."
So today is actullay good day, and I have decided it shall stay as such. I've heard some behind the back rumors that both hurt my feelings and cause me to be affronted on behalf of the people I love and care about, but I. Don't. Care.
If you don't have the balls to come up to me and list the issues you may have, and try to address it like civil, mature human beings, then your quarrel is not worth my time.
I am in an amazing mood because;
*I'm married to the most frustrating (but it keeps me on my toes and striving) and wonderful man in the world. Wes Harrell is my heart.
*My best friend in the entire world who shares a piece of my soul is here, and I get to see her everyday make my life filled with more love and acceptance than I probably deserve. My Frack.
*I have a friend, sister and mentor in someone who has the biggest heart and most open mind I have ever met, and she is endlessly patient with me even when I remind her she can't fix the world, only a little at a time so she doesn't break herself in the process. My darling Edani.
*I have been accepted with unconditional love and trust over issues I though may tear me away from someone I care about very much, and these fears have been quelled. I can't express how much I love Meg.
*I have numerous friends who are supportive and have faith in me and my abilities beyond lipservice and greater than I believe in myself and renew my faith in me and the world around me. There are far too many people in too many places and not enough room on the entirety of livejournal to list here and now.
Whatever kind of day you're having I want you to leave a comment on this post about one thing in your day or your life that is a good, positive, happy thing. GTA4, Riverdance (*wink wink*), cheese, hotdogs, cheese on hotdogs, your favorite band, your best friend, raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens I don't care. Just leave something happy and positive that makes your life shine.
If you can't think of anything, don't bother. I know that you have something, but if you're too negative to think of one good thing in your life, your comments are not welcome here.
*runs off to enjoy the rest of this wonderful day*
Current Music: Heaven Help Us - My Chemical Romance